The Old Prof Thinks Out Loud

One is a big, fat, slimy, offensive blob that stinks to high heaven. The other is a Belgian cheese.

We've all heard them, those special categories of jokes that get passed around in our cultures like short notes in a junior high school class. They're not the more complicated and complex story jokes and routines that standup comics write and tell (except maybe Steven Wright). They are the simpler, grassroots-written mini-jokes that get a quick laugh and sometimes inspire the listener to create his/her own new version.
In the day, these were things like knock-knock jokes, which still persist, or Tom Swifties, which no longer do (my personal favorite: "That is one big dam," Tom said, grandly but coolly.). There were the Polish jokes, which Political Correctness ran out of town (probably not a bad idea). And the moron jokes. And the how-many-to-change-a-light-bulb jokes. And dumb-blonde jokes. And lawyer jokes (favorite: Q. What is the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? A. The skid marks in front of the snake.)
One variety of these not-much-more-than-one-liners that is pretty much forgotten, except in my little corner of the universe, are what could have been called wordplay-name questions/jokes. They started with one, probably from a standup comic or a sit-com, and then spread organically from every listener who turned creative on the spot. I don't know why, but I have never let go of the challenge of trying to find more and more examples of names that fill this particular idle-hands-idle-mind recreation.
The easiest way to explain both the jokes and the personal fanaticism, I guess, is to start reciting them, the good, the bad, and the ugly (for the record, pronunciation trumps spelling every time here):
"Is Loretta Young?" (same question for Robert, Andrews, Neil, Faron, etc.)
"Is Ferlin Husky?"
"Is Merle Haggard?"
"Is Richard Petty?" (and the rest of his stock-car-racing clan)
"Is Kevin Spacey?"
"Did Pete Dye?" (no, he still doodling around with golf courses)
"Was Marvin Gaye?" (or sprinter Tyson or muscle-rubber Ben?)
"Is George Strait?"
"Was W. C. Handy?" (he was if he was in St. Louis and felt the blues)
"Was Cole Younger?"
"Is Barney Frank?" (or Anne, no relation)
"Did Virginia Dare?"
"Is Amarillo Slim?"
"Is Alan Hale?"
"Was Thomas Hardy?" (Andy definitely was)
"Can Dwayne Wade?"
"Has Shirley Eaton?"
"Does Tom Cruise?"
"Can Sally Ride?" (yes, obviously, toward the stars)
"Was Glenn Close?"
"Is George W. Bush?"
"Who'd Al Gore?"
"Does Karl Rove?"
"Is Howard Stern?"
"Is Deborah Harry?"
"Is Jamie Gold?" (he is since he won the World Series of Poker championship)
"Did Russell Crowe?" (maybe in tune with Sheryl?)
"Have you ever fished Veronica Lake?" (forget Rickie Lake -- too shallow)
"Do you ever let your Meat Loaf?"
(CAUTION -- These next few one-liners may offend those with heightened racial sensitivity, so the PC types should skip right on down to the next level):
"Is James Brown?" (or Bobby, or Jerry, or Murphy)
"Is Jack Black?" (or Clint or Karen)
"Is Betty White?" (or Barry, or Ryan, or Bob)
"Is Seth Green?" (with apologies to all members of the green race, and Mean Joe and Lorne)
"Was Dorian Gray?" (or Dobie, or L. Patrick)
"Was Ron Silver?" (don't forget the Lone Ranger's horse, either)
(OK, PC Types: You may resume reading here):
"Are the Smothers Brothers?"
"Is Helen Reddy?"
"Is Jean Smart?"
"Is Grace Slick?"
"Where is Eric Hyden?"
"Did Usain Bolt?" (uh, yeah, straight out of his starting blocks)
"Will Emma Peel?"
"Is Kim Jong Il?" (yes, in more ways than one)
"Is William Hung?" (it surely couldn't have been his "singing")
"Was Irene Dunn?"
"Can Keenan Wynn?" (+ Ed and Early and Steve)
"Does Stevie Wonder?"
"Did Iggy Pop?"
"Do Helen, Bonnie, and Linda Hunt?"
"Does Mardy Fish?"
"Was Ron Darling?"
"Could Gordon Jump?" (no longer, sad to say)
"Where did Inbee Park?" (somewhere near a putting green, I suppose)
"Does William Hurt?"
"Is Buddy Rich?" (Charlie was, for sure)
"Is Eric Idle?"
"Is Johnny Rotten?"
"Was Sid Vicious?" (affirmative)
"Did Wyatt Earp?" (if so, Morgan, Virgil, and Warren probably cleaned it up)
"Can Ralph Reed?" (I seriously doubt it, but Harry, Robert, and Walter can/could)
"Is Noah Wylie?"
"Is Martin Short?"
"Is Justin Long?" (you'll have to have Shelley seduce him, I guess)
"Whom did Chuck Berry?" (probably the same stiff Marion, Halle, and Huckle did)
"Could Johnny B. Goode?"
"Would Danielle Steele?" (Remington probably wouldn't)
"Was Bobby Darin?"
"Does Lyle Lovett?"
"Do you think Natalie Wood?" (if not, try Evelyn)
"Was David Cross?" (Noah definitely was, in "Chinatown")
"Did Gabriel Byrne?"
"When will Claire Bloom?" (About the same time as Orlando, I imagine)
"Was Henry Luce?" (with women, yes; with money, not so much)
"Are Bob and Brian Griese?" (like father, like son?)
"Can Jim Carrey?" (about the same as Mariah, who can carry a tune, and Harry, who couldn't)
"Did Billy Bragg?" (Confederate Gen. Braxton, not so much)
"What did Dickie Doo?" (when he wasn't singing with The Don'ts)
"What did Tom Mix?"
"Who made Stephen King?" (or Billie Jean, or Wayne, or Martin Luther Jr.)
"Who gave Harvey Milk?" (or Johnny Cash, or Eddie Money?)
"In the end, did John Wayne?" (or Bruce, or Reggie, or Mad Anthony?)
"Can you meet me at the corner of Della Street and Picabo Street?"
(and finally, of course):
"Was Tom Swift?" (not to mention Jonathon and Taylor)
*
(work perpetually in progress)

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