Friday, September 25, 2009
The World Of What-Ifs
They are as much a staple of American life as apple pie, Wonder bread, and Double Stuf Oreos. What-If questions, the standup comics especially love them for their double entendres and ironic potential, and they freely twist them around their little fingers to make the ironies more visible to those of us who only laugh, rather than make people laugh (although I'm going to try that in a moment).
For me, the best ever is comic John Mendoza's deadpanned one: "What if there were no hypothetical situations?"
Or another comedian's (maybe George Carlin's or Steven Wright's, but I'm not sure): "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?"
I would humbly submit a few more What-Ifs for your consideration:
What If: The thought really isn't what counts?
What If: Beggars can be choosers? (In Zen, they are the only ones who can)
What If: Mother doesn't always know best? (Submitted for your consideration: Anna Nicole Smith)
What If: Father doesn't know best? (Submitted: John Phillips)
What If: Acorns sometimes do fall far from the tree? (Like, into my neighbor's yard)
What If: A journey of a thousand miles sometimes begins with more than one step?
What If: A bird in the hand isn't worth two in the bush? (A lot less sanitary, for sure)
What If: He who hesitates is only confused, not lost?
What If: The truth won't set you free? (until new DNA evidence is revealed)
What If: Necessity isn't the mother of invention? (did we really NEED the Clapper?)
*
(work in progress)
For me, the best ever is comic John Mendoza's deadpanned one: "What if there were no hypothetical situations?"
Or another comedian's (maybe George Carlin's or Steven Wright's, but I'm not sure): "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?"
I would humbly submit a few more What-Ifs for your consideration:
What If: The thought really isn't what counts?
What If: Beggars can be choosers? (In Zen, they are the only ones who can)
What If: Mother doesn't always know best? (Submitted for your consideration: Anna Nicole Smith)
What If: Father doesn't know best? (Submitted: John Phillips)
What If: Acorns sometimes do fall far from the tree? (Like, into my neighbor's yard)
What If: A journey of a thousand miles sometimes begins with more than one step?
What If: A bird in the hand isn't worth two in the bush? (A lot less sanitary, for sure)
What If: He who hesitates is only confused, not lost?
What If: The truth won't set you free? (until new DNA evidence is revealed)
What If: Necessity isn't the mother of invention? (did we really NEED the Clapper?)
*
(work in progress)
Friday, September 04, 2009
Chess A Sport? Fuhgettaboutit!
Under the "News To Me" heading comes the word that the International Olympic Committee, has granted chess and bridge recognition as actual sports (although not actual enough -- or physical enough -- to join the register of sports that can compete for gold, silver, and bronze at the Olympic Games).
Of course, it takes some kind of magic potion for sports to gain entry into the storied games of yore, anyway. They are kicking out baseball and softball, sports if I ever saw any. And, of course, golf, North American-style football, bowling, duckpins, auto racing, shuffleboard (curling without the ice), and squash aren't even on the radar for inclusion in the Olympic pantheon of competition. But, on the other Olympic scorecards, team handball (which nobody I know has ever played), rhythmic gymnastics, and synchronized swimming are in already.
In the case of chess and bridge, I think the confusion comes because, somehow, the line between sports and games became blurred somewhere along the way. How even the most avid of chess or bridge players can suggest that their games require the kind of physical activity and dexterity that weightlifting and ski jumping do is beyond my ken.
We're talking about games here, not sports. Otherwise, could we look forward to Olympic poker, or Monopoly, or Scrabble, or Clue, or tiddly-winks (which does at least require a minimum of physical activity and dexterity, if only in the thumb and forefinger)?
(Of course, the Olympics further confuse the matter by referring to their every-four-years extravaganzas as "Games.")
I have to believe professional poker player Adam Schoenfeld had the perfect perspective on the whole question when he was asked if his avocation was a sport. "No, if you can drink a beer while playing it, it's not a sport," Schoenfeld answered, with his customary poker-face.
Of course, it takes some kind of magic potion for sports to gain entry into the storied games of yore, anyway. They are kicking out baseball and softball, sports if I ever saw any. And, of course, golf, North American-style football, bowling, duckpins, auto racing, shuffleboard (curling without the ice), and squash aren't even on the radar for inclusion in the Olympic pantheon of competition. But, on the other Olympic scorecards, team handball (which nobody I know has ever played), rhythmic gymnastics, and synchronized swimming are in already.
In the case of chess and bridge, I think the confusion comes because, somehow, the line between sports and games became blurred somewhere along the way. How even the most avid of chess or bridge players can suggest that their games require the kind of physical activity and dexterity that weightlifting and ski jumping do is beyond my ken.
We're talking about games here, not sports. Otherwise, could we look forward to Olympic poker, or Monopoly, or Scrabble, or Clue, or tiddly-winks (which does at least require a minimum of physical activity and dexterity, if only in the thumb and forefinger)?
(Of course, the Olympics further confuse the matter by referring to their every-four-years extravaganzas as "Games.")
I have to believe professional poker player Adam Schoenfeld had the perfect perspective on the whole question when he was asked if his avocation was a sport. "No, if you can drink a beer while playing it, it's not a sport," Schoenfeld answered, with his customary poker-face.
