The Old Prof Thinks Out Loud

Don't hold your breath to hear these:
"... and the Oscar goes to ... Keanu Reeves!"
"... and the Emmy goes to ... David Caruso!"
"... and the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to George W. Bush!"
"... Chief Justice Alberto Gonzalez!"
"... the next president of the United States, Dennis Kucinich!"
"... the world's most dynamic motivational speaker, Sen. John Kerry!"
"... born to poor black sharecroppers, Hillary Rodham Clinton, pulled herself up by her own bootstraps ... " (an adaptation of this one was uttered in Steve Martin's movie "The Jerk")
"... Hi, I'm Willie Nelson. Just say no to drugs?"
"... I now pronounce you husband and husband." (in Indiana or several other states)
"... which way to the egress?" (except in Indiana and several other backward states)
"... please welcome our newest Mensa member, Bill O'Reilly!"
"... are you going to eat your dessert, Mr. Gore?"
"... which way to the Imus?"